Tip of the week: You are accountable for the way you live your life.

We are all accountable for our behaviour.  For those that have faith will understand what I am saying, and even if you have understanding we can all do with a refresher. For those who have none, then let me explain. There is always a root to Dysfunctional Behaviour.
I say this after hearing in the media this week that half a million children are unhappy. At first I thought that this must be a joke.  After much thought about that statement I came to the conclusion that I am not really surprised. Unhappiness breeds Dysfunctional Behaviour. Could this account for why dysfunctional behaviour starts from an early age and continues into adult life?  However, I could ague that children today are more fortunate than they were back in the 'old days'. so why are so many children displaying dysfunctional behaviour. I believe the root is in the parents.
I was recently out to dinner with a friend and at the next table to us were a young family, with a child of approximately 5-6 years old. A little girl.  Throughout the meal she was allowed to sit on the table, scream out at her parents as and when she felt like it.  I thought that perhaps there was something physically or mentally wrong with her, but after discretionary looks from me I began to see the problem.  Neither parents were interested as to whether she was eating or not, they were too busy eating their spare ribs to bother with her.  Occasionally she would be told to eat some dinner, but she began dancing on the table and shouting loudly over her parents.  Not at any time was she corrected and made to sit down like a little lady.  The whole episode said more about the parents than it did the small child. What they have failed to realise is that that behaviour will have consequences as that child grows older.  The parents are teaching her no manners, or indeed how to behave in public places.  The parents then proceeded to get her a pudding, she had eaten no dinner, and allowed her to have a dessert which was almost as big as her.  She did not eat that either.   Again the parents were too interested in themselves to actually notice that the child was not eating, but fooling around with her meal. When they had finished they left, much to my friend and I's relief.
Children are treated like mini-adults from such a young age.  They have far too much to say - too soon. The above scenario is not an isolated case it is becoming the 'norm' to see children misbehaving and displaying dysfunctional behaviour.  It is the parents responsibility to protect their children and not to allow them to think that it is all right to do just as they please.  Children thrive better with boundaries. Our children are not our equals. This seems to be the thing that is on the rise.  They are children and as such should be not only protected and have our love, but they also need discipline and of course all the things that remind us they are children. It doesn't end because a date of birth says that they are 16,18 or 21.
I am not a Counsellor because I have it all 'Right' I am a counsellor because of the exact opposite.  I have done things wrong, but wished I had had someone to help me through my child rearing years. I have been through it all and if only I had had parents, family to help me through these difficult years, maybe I would not be doing what I am today.  I hear parents blaming anti social behaviour on school.  The fact is, it all starts at home.  We are not only their parents, we are also their teachers. we are their role models, and if parents are forever abusing each other, cursing and swearing in front of their children what do you seriously expect? How do you really think they are going to turn out? I do understand that some parents are put off by the fact that they are thwarted by Government Legislation, but my answer to that has always been that none of these Government ministers were there when I gave birth and so none of them will tell me how to bring my children up. They were not responsible for my children I was. As far as I was concerned I would get on with the job of parenting. However, when my eldest child showed signs of dysfunctional behaviour I could if I wanted to blame anything and everything on other people, but it doesn't work like that.  Stepping up to the mark of being a parent is tough. I had to exercise 'Tough Love' in order for him to come through it at the other end. It was hard for him and for me. It worked though. My boy (actually he's 26) is now that loving, respectful, intelligent young man I knew he always was. If I had of allowed the situation to carry on as it was, the outcome may have been quite different to how it is now.
So what am I saying here?  Be responsible for your children, love them and protect them, recognising that part of loving them is discipline and correction. Don't treat your children like mini -me's  or you's in this case. Spend good quality time with them and stop leaving them to their own devices and mischief makings. Know where your kids are, and set boundaries, and provide consequences when those boundaries are ignored. Hug them regularly as body contact is crucial. Don't give opportunity for dysfunctional behaviours and remember that you are accountable for the way you live your life and how they live theirs.It's a huge responsibility !

Unfortunately due to the fact that I am receiving very little response, this will be my last blog. It is with deep regret that I will no longer be able to help you for free. You can however still reach me via facebook, email me at CRR or linked in. I will be more than happy to consult with you. Look out for my website which I am in the process of arranging.  Thank you to the few followers that I had and support from family and friends. All very much appreciated. Carol.

Tip of the week: Enjoy Your Life And Stop Complaining !

Welcome back.
It occurs to me that we are all here only once so you might as well enjoy your life.
I spent far too many years having pity parties. When you don't enjoy your life there is no joy, no peace, no satisfaction.  We all make excuses.  I have done things wrong and made excuses, 'It was my childhood, it was my parents, it was my job, it was my marriage.' However, apart from becoming boring, people don't want to stick around people who constantly moans and complains. There comes a time when  you reach a point of saying 'enough is enough'. Enough is enough involves self-discipline and self control. I have to exercise self control and self discipline every day. for example: the person who is irritating me, the food I eat, doing things that are good for me and of course, my mouth !!  How I would love to tell the idiot drivers  who drive like maniacs risking life and limb and those around them. Getting your own way all the time is not reality. Do you talk to much or not communicate enough? Either can become an issue. What tone is used. sometimes it is not what we're saying, it's the way we say it.
I know from my own experience that I had a very aggressive tone, and yes it was because of my past , because I had to fight and struggle for everything.I had also been shown aggression  and thought that having people afraid of me was pretty cool.  NOT COOL !   It took discipline to change that. Thankfully I have changed beyond recognition and it can work for you too. Do what you can and stop complaining about what you can't do.  Complaining all the time will bring Depression, anxiety, discontentment and on and on.  It will affect every area of your life  until you have no time left to enjoy, because you're too busy complaining. The only person stopping you, is you. Be bold enough to step out and go through your problems.  No one is in charge of your happiness, but YOU. Start by stopping your pity parties thinking about everything that is wrong in your life. Develop a better attitude about yourself and others.  People complain about circumstances and situations as though somehow they believe the results will change themselves.  WRONG.
You think it's ok to use your circumstances to treat people any old how, but when they do the same to you, you get angry and resentful.   Stop blaming others for the problems you encounter in your life, they cannot change what has happened. However, it's the attitude that you adopt will make all the difference.  You can choose to get angry, bitter and twisted or you can choose to let it go, and not allow incidences to have any power over you.  A good example of this, is Doreen Lawrence. Her son Stephen brutally murdered at a London bus stop 18 years ago.  As a mother one of the worst things that could ever happen.  She held herself  with dignity and decorum all this time. Her attitude was that justice would prevail and to a certain extent it did.
She and her family could have adopted quite a different attitude. I never once heard her screaming, ranting and raving, waving fists or using curse words. She is not bitter or resentful, but maintains an air of dignity and has my huge respect.
If you need my help please do not hesitate to contact me via blog, email, fb or linked in.
Until next time....