Do You Really Want To Change?

Hello again,
It has been a while since my last blog. Haven't been too well lately.  In the time that I have been away from blogging it never ceases to amaze me how people continue to treat one another.  Bullying, Berating and insulting, just to name a few.  Relationships are fragile at the best of times. People get hurt easily and because of their own past or present issues, lash out at others in order to make themselves feel a bit better.  They make slanderous remarks about someone else.  Have you seriously got nothing better to do with your life?

Life itself is a struggle. Broken relationships, the cost of living, unemployment, I could go on and on with the list.  Yet people still continue to cause trouble and strife. They refuse to do anything about their miserable, discontented lives and wreak havoc to anyone who gets in their path. They spread rumours and gossip.

It seems that it is not possible for people to disagree without resorting to insults and belittling each other.  Did you actually realise that you have lost any kind of respect or integrity that you thought you had? The rewards for causing so much trouble is very little.  Maybe momentarily you feel that you have achieved satisfaction, but the end result is that no one wants to have anything to do with you, apart from the one's you have managed to brain wash or are like minded.

When you have been in a relationship and it goes sour, whether that is a marital, friendship or significant other, the betrayal one feels is beyond any words. Verbal or emotional abuse has far reaching consequences which can destroy confidence and create real trust issues. The devastation of having your private life and family issues spread around just for the fun of it, is abhorrent. No wonder people are so fragile when they have had to deal with this sort of rubbish. The perpetrators of such misery are generally uneducated and have no idea about loyalty and what being a truly decent human being is all about. Having said that, you don't have to have degrees and diplomas to understand the difference between minding your own business, or being vindictive because you can. Retaliation is very unattractive. Even if you are the injured party why resort to lowering yourself so low as to seek revenge. Understandably the injured party feels aggrieved, but learn to walk away. You want justice, but invariably you won't get it.
People talk without getting facts first, revelling in the misery it has caused their target.

Do people really want to change or are they content to carry on behaving in this manner when there is so much help available?  why not concentrate on your own issues before unleashing the demons within yourself onto someone else.
In a previous blog I said 'You don't always have to have the last word to be right'.  Sometimes silence really is golden.  Seeking revenge will not bring harmony, but alienation.  Above all remember,  What goes around comes around.
If you would like my help on any issues please go to my website www.counsellingrapidresponse.co.uk

Tip of the week Know when to say Goodbye to a Relationship.

At what point in our lives when a relationship is not working do we say enough is enough? Do separations ever really work. In my opinion I think separations can be beneficial to both parties.  It gives time and space to think what it is you really want.  Sometimes having the space can actually make you realize what you have lost and that perhaps it can be worked through.  When you are both living under the same roof it becomes much more difficult to get a right perspective and what really works for you. However if you make the inevitable split, it can lead to much deeper emotions such as depression and regret. Sometimes we just need to take a back seat and self assess if the problem/s is you or them.  Do not get into the 'blaming game' as this achieves nothing but resentment. There are some couples where one will leave at the first sign of trouble and look for another partner in the vain hope that this time the relationship will be better. There are other couples who feel that they have been together for too long and going through the dating process and starting all over again is too much hassle, so they 'stick' it out getting more miserable by the minute and day. Why? This is quite an open ended question. Most of us fear being alone and abandoned. To face the 'black hole' and all the trauma and anxiety that brings they put up with anything. To be alone is to feel unloved and unlovable, this perpetuates the feelings of past situations and hurt.
There are some couples who don't even know if they are happy or not, they daren't go that far.  They shuffle along with their daily lives oblivious to knowing what their partner really thinks or feels. sometimes it is only when couples split do they ever realize just how unhappy they were in that relationship. It is more common for the woman to initiate a Divorce.  Not because they want it that way, but because of the partners behaviour. If couples could get to the bottom of asking why they are still in a bad or unhappy relationship rather than blaming each other for past offences and misdemeanour's. Once you start asking questions about yourself only then can things start to disentangle. Counsellors are notoriously famous for helping us to do just that 'disentangle'.  You have to know when to leave otherwise you may end up hating each other and not intentionally either.
It is equally important to understand that for the time you spent with your partner it was never wasted. The fact that you no longer fulfil each others needs or have the same dreams and goals is no reason to regret those years together.

If you need my help or advice please visit my website WWW.CounsellingRapidResponse.co.uk where you can contact me there.
Until next time...

Maniac Drivers

I am constantly amazed at the level of poor drivers let loose on our roads.  Whilst travelling this morning I was almost forced into bollards by a maniac driver.  Usually one expects these maniac drivers to be youngsters, but this driver was a mature man.  No wonder we have so many accidents on our roads and so many people are killed needlessly.

I who am not oblivious to road rage overtook him as soon as I could with a middle finger salute ! No wonder people say that women drivers are getting more aggressive.  It feels like every time you go out in your car you are taking your life in your hands.  It 's  not so much what WE do, it's what the idiots do.  There is very little courtesy on our roads anyway and everyone is in a rush. Hardly anybody bothers to indicate anymore. Why? Are we supposed to be mind readers as well as having to think what they might do.
I have been driving for 30 years + and the standard of driving has hit the pan. Please don't get me started on the young drivers they are a law onto themselves.
As far as I am concerned my life and those of my passengers are precious to me.  I have to have consideration for other road users, what's their excuse? How people manage to drink or take drugs and drive is mind blowing. It's bad enough with the sober ones, let alone those off their head. What seriously gets me is that you never see a police car around when you need one, but bet your bottom dollar, they appear out of nowhere when you don't.
Then you have the cars that drive with the sticker saying 'Child on Board' but they are driving at reckless speeds.  Did they not remember that they have a child on board, or do they think that other road users will make concessions for them because they have a child with them.? If you have a sticker in your car saying'Child on Board' then what are you doing driving at 80 mph on a dual carriageway. I see this all the time and it beggars belief.
Let's not forget the ones who like to drive right up your backside. Now what's their problem?
Travelling home one evening driving down a country lane, doing 50-60 mph, not unreasonably fast or slow when suddenly a range rover appears hammering down behind us and flashing her lights. We slowed down because we were not sure what exactly was the problem.  Turns out according to this driver we were going too slow for her liking and she proceeded to overtake flashing and increasing speed.  Who should it be? but Katie Price no less. oh excuse me, I didn't realize that perhaps if you are a 'celebrity' and I use that word loosely, the Highway Code does not apply to you. Just remember that when anyone gets behind the wheel of a car you are just another driver and the same rules apply whoever you are. To me you are no celebrity, but the driver of a killing machine !!!!

That's it for now, until next time....
As usual if you need my help or advice you can contact me via WWW.Counsellingrapidresponse.co.uk

Diabetes

Hello and welcome again to my latest blog.
I wanted to share with you how in just one week how my life has changed yet again!
Having suffered Pancreatitis 10 years ago, it left me with the condition of Type 11 diabetes.  It was devastating at the time and I never really accepted the condition.  Over the years I have struggled to keep a reasonable weight, (not easy because of my love of food) but knowing being overweight was not good have kept a close eye.
Just this week went to the doctor about one thing, and discovered that it was connected to the high sugar levels in my blood, to be told that I have to go on Insulin.  I cannot express clearly enough the absolute fear and dread that I felt.  I already feel dodgy about needles and having to do this EVERY day was a daunting prospect.  However, what I found useful was contacting Diabetes UK which I have never done before, and after that phone call I felt so much better.  It was a huge help knowing that it wasn't anything that I had done, but it is a progressive illness. I had begun to feel guilty thinking it was the cake perhaps or the biscuit or the sweets I had eaten over the years.  Phew !  Immediately, I felt absolved of all guilt.
On the day that I had to see the Nurse to show me how to inject, I felt a bit apprehensive, but listened intently as to how it was to be done and we had some 'dummy runs' with a rubber duck. It certainly broke the tension. Throughout all of it, I started to feel sad. It was almost as if I now had to admit defeat. Like I fought it and fought it and I lost.That sort of feeling.
What has made it even more spectacular is the fact that so many people have to be informed.  Yes, in 24 hours I will probably have my license revoked for driving until DVLA decide that I am fit to drive.(can take up to 6 weeks for them to gather and check info)  My license was supposed to run until I am 70 and now I have to be assessed every 2-3 years.  I discovered that I have been driving for 31 years, never ever had a parking ticket in my life and no penalties on my license, yet somehow because I am still considered to be a type 11 diabetic, but now having insulin all that changes. Oh and let's not forget the Insurance company on top of that who need to be informed.  I understand that some insurance premiums rise in some cases, as if they are not sky high already.  Oh and the icing on the cake, if you pardon the pun, is that every time I get into my car I have to do a finger prick test. You have no idea how many times I go in and out using my car every time.
That's some of the negative stuff.  Now let's discuss the positive for their must be some right?

I am told that I won't be dropping off to sleep at a drop of a hat. I will feel energized and ready to take the world on.  I guess those are big positives for me because I felt exhausted all the time. So it's not all bad.
I have managed to get my head around the whole idea of taking insulin and actually it isn't as bad as I first thought.  It was the fear of the unknown. The mind is a powerful tool and you and I can use it for negative or for positive.  I have to just look around me and see how many people are disabled, blind, deaf, amputees,
and recognize that I have nothing to complain about.  At least I woke up this morning.  Do you really understand how many people went to bed last night and did not wake up this morning?
So I have to take insulin and there will be changes in my life to contend with, but a small price to pay for having some quality of life.  No room for pity parties !! Once again, as I have said in previous blogs it's all about the way you think.( I am not exempt from feeling sorry for myself.) The thing that always pulls me through is that when you think you got it bad, someone out there has it worse. It is truly a humbling experience. Look upwards and onwards and enjoy your life.....

If you need my help with a problem please do not hesitate to contact me via my website :WWW.counsellingrapidresponse.co.uk    You will find me there.

Legalism or Merciful?

It would be good if we felt great all the time.  Whenever crisis strikes you can choose to do the right thing. If you never have crisis you will never build character. Anger is an emotion that is not necessarily wrong,it's what you do with it. We all have emotions, but anger is usually the one that surfaces pretty quickly. You always need to do the greater thing when you have been wronged. Not easy in anyone's book.
You can change your life radically by not following your emotions. Make a positive declaration that  you will not be 'ruled' by your emotions.
Legalistic takes away from Merciful. A legalistic person is usually a perfectionist who judges, criticises and on the whole harsh. Merciful is the opposite it forgives quickly. Here's a useful tip, Be merciful to others because one day YOU may need THEIR mercy.
Scars remind us of where we have been- they do not have to dictate our future! I have been broken many, many times, too many scars to mention. I could have become a drug addict, alcoholic, promiscuous.  Anything to block out the pain and the hurt.Being angry and judgemental all the time virtually ruined my life. Others could see it and responded accordingly causing alienation . I know first hand that being angry hurts no one but yourself. My brokenness didn't just happen, it has been part of my life for as long as I can remember. Being merciful changed my life in more ways than one. It gave me the opportunity to realise and understand that bad things happen to good people, that life is not fair and to have no expectations.  It teaches you that situations and circumstances change all the time and recognising that sometimes things happen beyond your control. So being stressed and angry is pointless. I had to drag positive out of every negative.  Understanding that people let you down whether it be your spouse, partner, friend or family.  Legalistic people tend  to look for flaws and imperfections in others. They do not forgive and they certainly do not forget.
Being merciful offers the opposite and gives the offender the opportunity to put things right and even if they don't, you will feel better for it,  Leave it to their conscience and let them have the sleepless nights.  Not you ! There is nothing good or clever in seeking revenge.  I could have done that my whole life through. I would have had to ask myself at what cost to me?  I spent too many years being legalistic  being bound up in my own pain regurgitating all the horrible things that I have been through.  Pressing forward and forgetting what's passed  only serves to make you stronger and builds resilience.  My brokenness from which I never thought I would recover from it,.  I am the living, breathing proof that you can be free from what legalism can turn you into.
What will you choose, Legalism or Mercy?

If you would like my help please visit my website @ www.counsellingrapidresponse.co.uk  you will find information there available on how to contact me.

Tip of the day: Sons and Daughters appreciate your Mums

Happy Mother's Day to all our lovely mum's out there. Being a Mother is very rewarding, but incredibly hard work.  We all forget sometimes just how important our Mother's are.  I'm reminded today that for some, Mother's have passed away and so today will bring mixed feelings.  For those of us whose Mother's are still with us, how lovely it would be if for just One day out of the year we could make them feel so very special and appreciated.
I remembered a song where the child is charging his mother for every chore she has asked him to do for her. So for taking the rubbish out he charges 50p (or cents as the song is American) for doing the washing up he charges her again and so the song goes, But the song ends up with the mother saying to her son, 'For the times when you were sick and I looked after you, No Charge, for the times you needed comfort and I gave it to you, No Charge, for my unconditional love, No Charge, For giving birth to you, No Charge.'
In a Supermarket the other day I overheard two women talking about Mother's Day, the one woman said to the other how much she hated Mothering Sunday, the second woman looked shocked and asked her 'Why?'
The first lady said  that she had children all in their twenties and for the best part of the day they would stay in bed only surfacing to find out if dinner was ready. (/which she had to cook) There was no acknowledgement from them about the day and when she reminds them they barely give her a second look. My immediate thought was 'how sad'. Maybe her children needs to hear that song !
Listen up ! We only have one Mother and one day she will be gone. Don't waste time not showing her that you love her not just today, but everyday.  Some of us do not have the opportunity  and for us there is sadness. Take time out to mend rifts, no time like the present.  Be a son. Be a daughter  to the woman who screamed her lungs out giving you life.  For all that they do and continue to do for you because as I said, when she's gone, she's gone. Above all else remember that there was No Charge.
Whatever the relationship you have with your mother she will never forget her children.  She will never forget your birth and she never, ever stops loving you.
Have a Happy and Peaceful Mothering Sunday.
If you need my help please go to my website WWW.Counsellingrapidresponse.co.uk click on the link or send me an email.

Tip of the week: Communication

I spoke to someone recently who described to me that she no longer was in love with her husband, but that she loved him deeply.  She asked me what she should do. I presumed that she was looking for me to confirm that leaving him was the right thing to do.  However, it really isn't as simple as that. Love is a funny old thing.  It is not something you can turn on and off like a tap.  There are varying degrees of love ranging from hot fire, to slow burning embers. Her husband told me that he did love her but that work had taken over his life.  He agreed that at times he did forget to compliment her or even tell her that he loved her.  Flowers had stopped, the little love notes, the laughter all disintegrated before her very eyes.  He had gotten things out of balance.
For him, he was just being practical.  Paying a mortgage, bills etc... and for her, she was being emotionally starved.  She became resentful of her husband and gradually they both forgot what it was that attracted them together in the first place. A new learned behaviour had come into play. Neither of them was happy.  He had begun to see her as being demanding and eventually she just gave up on the marriage.
So how do we begin to sort this?  Communication, communication, communication.  She no longer felt that she could tell her husband that she felt rejected, unloved, of no real significance in his life for fear of his accusation of her being demanding. She had become resentful instead.  Both of them needed to go back and sift through to the root and see where it all began.   A willingness to listen is crucial and to confirm what you think the other person is saying.  You will be surprised at what a person may think they have heard - to infact what was actually said. !  None of this is simple as it sounds.  It takes time, effort and commitment. Finding the right balance is easy if you both come to some agreement or compromise. I do not believe that the wife no longer was in love with her husband, but merely she had nothing to respond to.  Husbands have a huge responsibility in that yes they are the providers, but they also have to be the nurturers as well. Telling your wife that she is being demanding is not helpful and really can only serve to exacerbate the problem further.
A shift in priorities is usually a good thing.  He may be still just as busy at work, but it does not take long to  text a love note.   Telling your wife as soon as she wakes up in the morning that she is the most precious thing in your life will work wonders. Wives, occasionally it would be great if you could make yourself stunningly beautiful when your man comes through that front door. Remember our guys are sight creatures !!!!  It doesn't quite work that way for women, (sadly) but you'll be amazed at how he will respond, and in the process you will be nurtured and all those loving feelings will start to flow back in time. Good Luck !
If you need my help then please have a look at my website WWW.Counsellingrapidresponse.co.uk or leave a comment on the blog.

Tip of the Week Is Your Marriage For Life ?

Marriage is the hardest institution to be in.  We hear in the media that marriage is in decline, not many people are opting for the ball and chain. This is a hard one because Love is not enough, not these days.  A generation ago people stayed married ' til death us do part.' It didn't matter what life threw at them they stuck together.  I am reminded that this year my parents will have been married 50 years.  I know that it was more than love that has kept them together. They may not have had an easy time of it, but 50 years is quite an achievement especially these days. Have you got what it takes when the rose tinted spectacles come off to go the distance? When those once cute little habits and ways become irritating to the point of annoyance. ? Or the bank balance isn't as full as it once was prior to tying the knot.
It is one thing to catch a spouse, but quite another to keep them.  The misconception is that once the ring is on the finger that's the end of it.  wives tend to not bother to keep themselves looking good for their man, and men tend to let go of the respect, and fall into the trap of complacency. They forget what attracted them to their woman in the first place and she begins to feel unappreciated and undervalued. Here lies the root to the wandering eye and seed of temptation.
Sometimes love is just not enough, you have to want the best for your spouse. The wife needs to feel that she is the most important person in her husband's life, they need to be an asset to each other so that they compliment each other in every way. Each others needs ought to be considered even though it may not suit you.  Marriage is about making each other laugh, but also sharing those tough times without reacting to things being said that might cause offence.  It is also being patient with each other. For when the time comes when crisis and trauma hits, and it will, is your marriage for life?
If you should need my help please contact me via WWW.counsellingrapidresponse.co.uk

All sorted !!

Hi everyone the website is now working properly.  Please get in contact should you need to. Thanks.

If you need to contact me please use the contact numbers on the website. The contact details are available and can be used at any time.

Apologies !

Dear Clients I apologize for any inconvenience as I am experiencing some technical difficulties with the new website.  We are working as quickly as possible to rectify this problem.  I ask that you bear with me for now and hopefully will be up and running efficiently as soon as possible.  Once again my apologies.

I'M BACK !!!

As promised I am back.  I now have an official website
WWW.Counsellingrapidresponse.co.uk
Please feel free to have a look at it, perhaps you may feel more confident when trying to make contact.
You will find everything you need to know on my site.

Tip of the week: You are accountable for the way you live your life.

We are all accountable for our behaviour.  For those that have faith will understand what I am saying, and even if you have understanding we can all do with a refresher. For those who have none, then let me explain. There is always a root to Dysfunctional Behaviour.
I say this after hearing in the media this week that half a million children are unhappy. At first I thought that this must be a joke.  After much thought about that statement I came to the conclusion that I am not really surprised. Unhappiness breeds Dysfunctional Behaviour. Could this account for why dysfunctional behaviour starts from an early age and continues into adult life?  However, I could ague that children today are more fortunate than they were back in the 'old days'. so why are so many children displaying dysfunctional behaviour. I believe the root is in the parents.
I was recently out to dinner with a friend and at the next table to us were a young family, with a child of approximately 5-6 years old. A little girl.  Throughout the meal she was allowed to sit on the table, scream out at her parents as and when she felt like it.  I thought that perhaps there was something physically or mentally wrong with her, but after discretionary looks from me I began to see the problem.  Neither parents were interested as to whether she was eating or not, they were too busy eating their spare ribs to bother with her.  Occasionally she would be told to eat some dinner, but she began dancing on the table and shouting loudly over her parents.  Not at any time was she corrected and made to sit down like a little lady.  The whole episode said more about the parents than it did the small child. What they have failed to realise is that that behaviour will have consequences as that child grows older.  The parents are teaching her no manners, or indeed how to behave in public places.  The parents then proceeded to get her a pudding, she had eaten no dinner, and allowed her to have a dessert which was almost as big as her.  She did not eat that either.   Again the parents were too interested in themselves to actually notice that the child was not eating, but fooling around with her meal. When they had finished they left, much to my friend and I's relief.
Children are treated like mini-adults from such a young age.  They have far too much to say - too soon. The above scenario is not an isolated case it is becoming the 'norm' to see children misbehaving and displaying dysfunctional behaviour.  It is the parents responsibility to protect their children and not to allow them to think that it is all right to do just as they please.  Children thrive better with boundaries. Our children are not our equals. This seems to be the thing that is on the rise.  They are children and as such should be not only protected and have our love, but they also need discipline and of course all the things that remind us they are children. It doesn't end because a date of birth says that they are 16,18 or 21.
I am not a Counsellor because I have it all 'Right' I am a counsellor because of the exact opposite.  I have done things wrong, but wished I had had someone to help me through my child rearing years. I have been through it all and if only I had had parents, family to help me through these difficult years, maybe I would not be doing what I am today.  I hear parents blaming anti social behaviour on school.  The fact is, it all starts at home.  We are not only their parents, we are also their teachers. we are their role models, and if parents are forever abusing each other, cursing and swearing in front of their children what do you seriously expect? How do you really think they are going to turn out? I do understand that some parents are put off by the fact that they are thwarted by Government Legislation, but my answer to that has always been that none of these Government ministers were there when I gave birth and so none of them will tell me how to bring my children up. They were not responsible for my children I was. As far as I was concerned I would get on with the job of parenting. However, when my eldest child showed signs of dysfunctional behaviour I could if I wanted to blame anything and everything on other people, but it doesn't work like that.  Stepping up to the mark of being a parent is tough. I had to exercise 'Tough Love' in order for him to come through it at the other end. It was hard for him and for me. It worked though. My boy (actually he's 26) is now that loving, respectful, intelligent young man I knew he always was. If I had of allowed the situation to carry on as it was, the outcome may have been quite different to how it is now.
So what am I saying here?  Be responsible for your children, love them and protect them, recognising that part of loving them is discipline and correction. Don't treat your children like mini -me's  or you's in this case. Spend good quality time with them and stop leaving them to their own devices and mischief makings. Know where your kids are, and set boundaries, and provide consequences when those boundaries are ignored. Hug them regularly as body contact is crucial. Don't give opportunity for dysfunctional behaviours and remember that you are accountable for the way you live your life and how they live theirs.It's a huge responsibility !

Unfortunately due to the fact that I am receiving very little response, this will be my last blog. It is with deep regret that I will no longer be able to help you for free. You can however still reach me via facebook, email me at CRR or linked in. I will be more than happy to consult with you. Look out for my website which I am in the process of arranging.  Thank you to the few followers that I had and support from family and friends. All very much appreciated. Carol.

Tip of the week: Enjoy Your Life And Stop Complaining !

Welcome back.
It occurs to me that we are all here only once so you might as well enjoy your life.
I spent far too many years having pity parties. When you don't enjoy your life there is no joy, no peace, no satisfaction.  We all make excuses.  I have done things wrong and made excuses, 'It was my childhood, it was my parents, it was my job, it was my marriage.' However, apart from becoming boring, people don't want to stick around people who constantly moans and complains. There comes a time when  you reach a point of saying 'enough is enough'. Enough is enough involves self-discipline and self control. I have to exercise self control and self discipline every day. for example: the person who is irritating me, the food I eat, doing things that are good for me and of course, my mouth !!  How I would love to tell the idiot drivers  who drive like maniacs risking life and limb and those around them. Getting your own way all the time is not reality. Do you talk to much or not communicate enough? Either can become an issue. What tone is used. sometimes it is not what we're saying, it's the way we say it.
I know from my own experience that I had a very aggressive tone, and yes it was because of my past , because I had to fight and struggle for everything.I had also been shown aggression  and thought that having people afraid of me was pretty cool.  NOT COOL !   It took discipline to change that. Thankfully I have changed beyond recognition and it can work for you too. Do what you can and stop complaining about what you can't do.  Complaining all the time will bring Depression, anxiety, discontentment and on and on.  It will affect every area of your life  until you have no time left to enjoy, because you're too busy complaining. The only person stopping you, is you. Be bold enough to step out and go through your problems.  No one is in charge of your happiness, but YOU. Start by stopping your pity parties thinking about everything that is wrong in your life. Develop a better attitude about yourself and others.  People complain about circumstances and situations as though somehow they believe the results will change themselves.  WRONG.
You think it's ok to use your circumstances to treat people any old how, but when they do the same to you, you get angry and resentful.   Stop blaming others for the problems you encounter in your life, they cannot change what has happened. However, it's the attitude that you adopt will make all the difference.  You can choose to get angry, bitter and twisted or you can choose to let it go, and not allow incidences to have any power over you.  A good example of this, is Doreen Lawrence. Her son Stephen brutally murdered at a London bus stop 18 years ago.  As a mother one of the worst things that could ever happen.  She held herself  with dignity and decorum all this time. Her attitude was that justice would prevail and to a certain extent it did.
She and her family could have adopted quite a different attitude. I never once heard her screaming, ranting and raving, waving fists or using curse words. She is not bitter or resentful, but maintains an air of dignity and has my huge respect.
If you need my help please do not hesitate to contact me via blog, email, fb or linked in.
Until next time....